Monsters Within: Navigating the Shadows of OCD and BDD
My name is Mia, I’m 20 years old, a psychology student from Berkshire. And I have a little monster living in my brain. The monster came into my mind around the age of 8 and went by the name of OCD, it was easy to ignore at first.
I think it wanted me to ignore it, it needed time to sink its claws into my brain and understand me, all of me, especially my most petrifying fears.
The longer it stayed, the bigger it grew. The monster was ready for me now, and wanted me to acknowledge it now!
How Anxiety Became My OCD Monster’s Nourishment (September 2014)
I started secondary school. A very challenging time for anyone, it’s like transitioning from a pond to a sea overnight. The change would be scary for anyone. What I’ve learned about the OCD monster, is that its food source is fear and anxiety. It needs us to be filled with terror, to survive.
I started to feed the monster by giving in to Compulsions (repetitive behaviours or mental acts that a person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession) my obsession was harm and sexual violence.
In order to “stop” or “prevent” these intrusive thoughts from coming true I would do a compulsion where I’d have to look at every surface in a room; walls, tabletops, my school books etc, as I believed I had written inappropriate words and phrases.
Compulsion Chronicles: My Dance with Rituals to Satiate the Monster Within
Another compulsion was I had to count in a certain way until I reached the ‘right’ number, tap and blink a number of times in the “right” way.
Honestly the list goes on and on. But a constant compulsion, that I still have to this day is doing things with numbers.
I add, subtract, times and divide in my compulsions to get to ‘safe’ numbers.
Each number has an intrusive thought allocated to it. I’ give an example; 3 is related to Relationship OCD, 6,8 and 9 are related to Harm OCD, 4 and 1 are related to Pedophilia OCD. So, I will avoid these numbers and do compulsions in certain orders to get to ‘safe’ numbers.
Back to secondary school…
The Shock of Recognition: When OCD Got Its Name
I had no idea what OCD was, nor did I know I was suffering from it. I believed I was an evil person that needed to be punished. OCD made my life a living hell. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone, even my parents, about my struggles as I thought they would hate me and disown me.
However, one night I got to a point where I was exhausted. I had little sleep from constant compulsions and obsessing. I didn’t care what happened to me.
I decided to tell my mum, well kind of tell my mum, the tears and hyperventilating didn’t help me speak proper English. My dad heard and came into the room where I was talking to my mum, he said that it sounds like OCD.
I was in shock that he even understood what I was saying. My behavior, my compulsions and obsessions had an actual name?! I wasn’t going bonkers?! You see my dad has OCD too, which I never knew until that moment.
He had struggled in silence since he was a child. It helped to know I wasn’t the only one. They booked me in with my GP the next day where I was referred to CAHMS.
Lost in the Shadows: A Detour from School and the Agony of Missed Milestones
School wasn’t in the cards for me at that point. I missed out on so many milestones. I was basically housebound, I developed panic disorder (where you have recurring and regular panic attacks, often for no reason) this was debilitating, it exacerbated my OCD symptoms, and I became depressed.
I eventually was homeschooled through a local service for children like me who couldn’t attend mainstream schools. In a nutshell this would go on for 4 years.
Through those years my OCD was up and down, I started therapy including CBT and a little ERP. I found therapy to be more challenging when I was younger, I wasn’t fully engaged as I was so confused to what OCD even was.
Meditation and Medication: The Symbiotic Dance of Healing
I started a meditation called Sertraline; I have been on this since I was 14 (still on it now). Medication did help a lot to begin with but what I’ve learned is that therapy and meditation work best when together. For me, one wouldn’t work without the other.
Over the years my OCD obsessions and compulsions have changed but for me they all come back to me being a ‘bad’ person that people would judge and hate. My main worry is being an awful person.
It manifested in many ways, through different OCD themes such as harm, pedophilia, relationship etc. But it all came back to me being a ‘bad’ person.
In 2019, I was so lost mentally, but my therapist recommended looking at OCD-UK, a charity focussed on helping those with OCD.
Their resources are simply incredible! I honestly don’t believe that I’d be here if they didn’t exist.
Intruders in the Shadows: Welcoming a New Monster into the Mental Landscape (2020)
A new little monster crept in…
I began the transition out of CAHMs, I was 17. My therapist at the time was incredible and had helped me so much, but unfortunately because of COVID, our in-person sessions were moved to online. This didn’t have the best impact on me.
Other underlying issues were coming to the forefront, I started experiencing BDD symptoms (body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health condition in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance) this has to be one of the worst experiences of my life.
I didn’t know at the time what BDD was, I started to tell my therapist and she explained it sounded like BDD. You see OCD and BDD are very closely related, they’re kind of like sisters in a way.
The cycle is identical; obsession, anxiety, compulsive behavior, then temporary relief. OCD and BDD are separate disorders however the fact that I have both disorders does make sense. But again, people can just have BDD and the same for OCD. I just drew the short straw, such fun!
The Relentless Grip of BDD: A Daily Struggle with Self-Examination
BDD took over my life, my compulsion was filming myself and reviewing each frame afterwards. This became a daily occurrence; I would sometimes film myself up to 50 times a day.
I would take 100’s of selfies, ask for reassurance, I started hiding my face with hoodies and makeup. Eventually I withdrew from everything that I once enjoyed. I was so paranoid that people were looking at me and my hideous features.
I became obsessed with my weight; I thought that if I could control my weight at least that’s something good contributing to my appearance.
So, I fixated on calories and working out, starving myself. I lost 2 stone in 5 months.
It was never enough. I had my first suicidal ideation which scared me to my core. I didn’t recognise who I was anymore, I was just a vessel with nothing inside. I couldn’t see a way out. Nothing, nothing is what I felt.
My personality disappeared, my joy was gone, my everything had vanished.
Until I was directed to the BDD foundation, simply life changing! With this I saw so many people’s experiences with BDD, and I saw myself in so many different stories for the first time ever.
I started to join the BDD community on Instagram, one account was of a woman called Kim. She opened my eyes and truly I don’t think I’d be where I am without her.
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This just shows the power of advocacy and sharing experiences. It truly helps people so much!
Since then, I have started sharing my experiences. Not only BDD but OCD too. I became a youth ambassador for OCD-UK which gave me a platform to express myself creatively via poetry, art and literature.
I’m a youth ambassador for the BDD foundation. And now on the youth co-production panel for OCDAction.
I’ve decided that I don’t want anyone to go through what I have been through, I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. Advocating and taking action for better mental healthcare is my one true passion! Always will be.
It breaks my heart to know that there are people out there, right now experiencing the worst times of my life. There is help, there is hope! I’m living proof you will see that light again; you will be happy again. You’re not alone.
