Battling My Demons: A Personal Saga of Living with OCD
I have had OCD for as long as I could remember. I was always told that I was just “too particular”. My themes as a child were related to even numbers. If I didn’t eat, walk or count in even intervals, my mom was going to die a gruesome death. I could just picture it.
It often made me afraid to do things and cause a meltdown over seemingly simple things. I was told to relax and that it wasn’t a big deal, so I tried to suffocate my OCD and by that I mean simply doing my compulsions in private.
That is where my OCD stayed for years. However, a traumatic family event brought new themes to the surface. It felt like every time I barely crawled over the hurdle of learning coping mechanisms and how to change my thought process, a new theme would come.
Unveiling Health OCD: A Summer of Panic and Perceived Heart Attacks
It started with health OCD in the summer of 2021. I had my first panic attack where I was fully convinced I was having a heart attack, I even took myself to the ER. My heart rate was so high that they admitted me for additional tests.
After hours there, convinced I was going to die, they asked me if I had ever had a panic attack before. I felt so silly, until I went home and was convinced I was having yet another heart attack the second my heart rate spiked.
From Doctor’s Office to Job Stress: My Heart Monitor Obsession
After that incident, my doctors sent me to a cardiologist to ensure that everything was fine. Sonograms, heart monitors, EKG’s, you name it.
I am afraid of needles but was still happy to get blood tests to ensure my own health. Everything came back perfect, but I still wasn’t convinced and I wasn’t sure why.
I started a new job a few days later and I became obsessed with my apple watch.
I left it open to the heart monitor all day and would have to bring a charger to work because I would wear through the battery so fast by checking my heart rate, blood oxygen, do an EKG and repeat.
The times it was on the charger, I would be fighting off a panic attack because “what if something went wrong with my heart while it was charging?”
I was afraid to walk up stairs for how my chest would feel. I would call out for days at a time and just lay in bed because I was afraid to roll over, to get up, to eat.
All because I was convinced any of those actions would cause a heart attack. I would have to ask any trusted person around me if I looked like I was dying, or list off my symptoms and ask their thoughts.
Google Anxiety and Agoraphobia: A Drastic Life Change
In the beginning, I turned to Google a lot and it made matters much worse. I was diagnosed as agoraphobic through this. I could not leave the house to go somewhere without multiple exit plans, a safe person and knowing where the nearest hospital was.
My OCD had me convinced that something was going to happen anytime, so I always had to be on high alert. It felt like overnight I went from a girl who solo traveled the world to someone who couldn’t leave her bed.
It was the most debilitating thing I have ever experienced. There were days I would lay in bed and watch the world around me thinking that I was better off dead than living life the way I was. I tried quite a few medications during this time and none of them helped.
It was brutal to hear my support team of a psychologist and two psychiatrists tell me that I would have to handle this with therapy alone. I thought I was never going to improve.
Allergy Anxiety: Fear of the Unknown and Restricted Diet
I was afraid I was allergic to new things, or even things I simply hadn’t had in a while. I couldn’t try new lotions, medications or even foods out of fear of an allergic reaction.
I was afraid everything was going to kill me and I could only eat a handful of “safe foods”.
I am not even sure why my brain deemed them safe, but it did and I was so restricted. I would avoid medications and suffer instead of taking cold medicine because I was convinced it would kill me.
I would have a panic attack even with having to open a new box of a “safe food” out of fear the recipe changed or somehow this one was unsafe.
Battling Catastrophic Thoughts: Hypersensitivity to Bodily Sensations
Every bodily sensation came as if it was a fire alarm, warning me that something was terribly wrong. I couldn’t have a cramp without being convinced it was a blood clot, a headache without thinking it was a stroke and so on.
I could barely carry a conversations because I was convinced a second of feeling unwell was the “beginning of the end” and I was going to die on the spot.
I spent thousands of dollars going to doctors and specialists confirming that I am okay, the amount of doctor appointments I had in 2021 and 2022 was unimaginable.
I can’t even remember all of the doctors I went to there were so many. Every doctor swore I was healthy, yet any time I had a bodily sensation, I was convinced they all missed something.
Job Loss and Identity Crisis: From Active Lifestyle to Paralyzing Fear
Through this time, I lost that new job due to my OCD. It was absolutely devastating to see my life fall apart around me.
I used to work out 5 days a week and I could barely let my heart rate go above 90 without having a panic attack.
This wasn’t who I was. I had such a lust for life and a carefree attitude. Why was I suddenly so afraid to live?
Pet Obsession: The Unrelenting Anxiety Over Furry Loved Ones
I would also obsess over the health of my pets. If I was feeding them enough, getting the best vet care and even spending enough time with them.
I would leave work if I couldn’t see them on their puppy camera, I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I saw them breathing multiple times throughout the night.
If my dog looked at me a different way, I was convinced something was wrong. There is a ritual I have to do with them before I leave the house (saying I love them in a particular order with certain phrases repeated), otherwise my OCD has me convinced something will happen.
It became quite discouraging that every time I worked through a theme, another would show up. But as each theme arose, I was able to quickly recognize that they were related to my OCD and use the same treatment strategies that I had used on previous themes.
It truly felt nice to understand that while it is frustrating to have a new OCD theme, I had the understanding to work through it.
Empowered by Progress: Embracing Life Despite OCD’s Challenges
As I learned about OCD, I realized it latches onto things you care about the most. As a woman who loves life, it’s clear why my OCD latches on to the fear of losing my life or my pets.
I have been working on it for years and am proud of my progress, there are definitely flare ups but nothing can ever be perfect.
I have also found a beautiful community of others who are learning to live with OCD and no longer be controlled by it, it has certainly helped in my recovery.
I am lucky that with therapy and plenty of exposures, I started living with OCD again and not just being controlled by it.
